Trump Deploys Nuclear Submarines Over Tweet, World Prepares for Pettiest Apocalypse Ever
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what experts are calling “the most expensive ratio in history,” former President Donald Trump announced this week that he has moved two nuclear submarines into ‘appropriate regions’ following a provocative tweet from former Russian President Dmitry Medvedev.
“Some loser in Russia said something very nasty, very disrespectful,” Trump told reporters at his Mar-a-Lago bunker, flanked by an unsettling number of laminated McDonald’s menus. “So we moved the subs. Beautiful subs. The best subs. Everyone’s saying so.”
Sources confirm the submarines in question are likely Ohio-class SSBNs — 560-foot floating apocalypse machines armed with Trident II D5 missiles capable of erasing civilisations like they were Snapchat stories. Each missile carries multiple nuclear warheads because, as one Pentagon insider noted, “apparently one wasn’t enough for his feelings.”
Twitter Fingers, Trigger Fingers
The tweet that triggered global DEFCON-2 levels of anxiety came from Dmitry Medvedev, who warned the U.S. that further interference in Ukraine could lead to “catastrophic consequences.” Trump responded the only way a modern statesman can: by retaliating through social media and international weapons deployments.
“People don’t understand nuclear deterrence,” Trump explained in a follow-up post on Truth Social. “It’s like Twitter. You show strength. You send a sub. You win the argument. Everyone loves it.”
Military analysts are less enthusiastic.
“When global security hinges on who got ratioed, we’ve entered what scholars refer to as ‘the Oh F*** Era,’” said Dr. Linda Corcoran of Georgetown University. “We are literally one subtweet away from extinction.”
Just How Bad Could It Get?
Here’s a fun fact: each of those submarines Trump repositioned carries 24 ballistic missiles, each of which can deliver up to 8 nuclear warheads, each of which can ruin your weekend forever. Do the math: that’s hundreds of warheads per submarine.
To put that in perspective, if both submarines launched at full capacity, the resulting devastation would make every apocalypse movie look like a camping trip. Cities? Gone. Climate? Vaporised. Humanity? A cautionary tale aliens use in ethics class.
“Honestly, if these subs ever launch, arguing about pronouns will seem quaint,” said nuclear policy expert Jason Meyers. “The real pronoun will be ‘was.’ As in, ‘Earth was a nice place.’
The Dead Hand Says Hi
Of course, Russia wouldn’t just take this lying down. Enter the ominously named Dead Hand — an automated Soviet-era system designed to guarantee nuclear retaliation even if Russia’s entire leadership is turned into glow-in-the-dark dust.
Think of it as a post-apocalyptic Roomba: it just keeps working, whether you want it to or not. If Dead Hand activates, every remaining missile in Russia’s arsenal launches — not at military targets, but at everything. It’s the geopolitical equivalent of flipping the Monopoly board when you start to lose.
“Dead Hand means there’s no winning scenario,” said former NATO official Elise Grant. “It’s basically: you nuke us, we nuke you, everyone dies, and then a computer goes, ‘Well played, comrades.”
Meanwhile, On Planet Distraction
While the world teeters on the brink of a nuclear fireball, humanity is deeply engaged in the vital work of… yelling at each other online. Last night, as submarines slipped silently into the Atlantic, Twitter’s trending topics included:
#NoToGenderIdeology
#TERFLogic
#DidBeyonceJustDrop?
#StopTransHate
#TransWomenAreMen
#EqualityNotExtinction
If, global thermonuclear war erupts because a lunatic couldn’t handle a subtweet, none of it will matter. There won’t be bathrooms to argue about. There won’t be genders. There will only be ash.
Division is the oldest trick in the authoritarian playbook. While we bicker over cultural flashpoints, the big players are making moves that could delete civilisation from the server. But hey, at least Karen from Facebook got to post her 47th think piece on pronouns before the sky turned orange.
Experts Suggest Removing Internet From People With Launch Codes
Several security analysts have floated an innovative solution:
“Just don’t let anyone with access to nuclear weapons have Wi-Fi,” said Dr. Corcoran. “At the very least, give them dial-up. If it takes 10 minutes to load Twitter, maybe they’ll cool off before deploying an Ohio-class.”
Other proposed safeguards include:
A pop-up confirmation on nuclear orders reading:
‘Are you sure you want to end civilisation? Y/N’
Launch codes that require solving a Wordle first.
Giving the codes to a council of kindergarten teachers because “they know how to share.”
The Bottom Line
Trump’s move is more than a stunt. It’s a symptom of a world where ego is armed with extinction-level hardware. It’s not just Trump, either — the system itself rewards chest-thumping and punishes nuance. When the world’s most destructive weapons are essentially props in a reality TV feud, you know we’ve entered a very stupid, very dangerous chapter of history.
So next time you’re doom scrolling a culture war thread, remember: the real culture war might involve whether or not Earth still has a culture next week.
Closing Quote of the Apocalypse
“Look, if the world ends because of Twitter beef, future civilizations — if there are any — will just assume humanity died doing what it loved most: being extremely online,” said Meyers.
